'Express'-ing Myself

Dear Friends,

My sister, Dee, is a diva. Get it?

A Dee-va! [rolls eyes] Never mind.

She is a fashonista. She is photogenic.

I would hate her for that last one but she is my sister and besides, then she might stop babysitting for me.

Dee works at Express. They don't even sell my size there.

Mr. Loggerhead sweetly told me it's because they sell clothes for models with no brains.

But look at them.

Some days I think I might trade my brain for hips that small.

Not really.

Let's just say that I'd like to end the relationship I'm in with my hips. I'm ready to break up with my thighs too. They insult me. I'm sure it constitutes emotional mistreatment. I want a seperation now!

Okay, rant is done.

Express is a very happening and hip place to work. Dee is in her element and it's fun to listen to her excitement. Because I'm a full-fledged polymath (more on that later) I can't just listen I have to get involved.

Get the ideas flowing.

Think of all the possibilities.

Recently, Dee came home with a work assignment. When she didn't seem adverse to my help, I jumped right into my 'high-society-fashion-guru' shoes and quicker than you can say , "Good Gravy! What is she wearing? -- I was bossing her around and dishing out my extensive (read: nonexistent) expertise.

She had been asked to be the accessories "go-to" person for the holiday season and to do a presentation on that subject at the next store meeting. Due to her interest in fashion she decided to take it up a notch and knock their socks off.

Anybody smell a promotion in the future?

This is what we made to rock her presentation.

Her speech included this phrase,

"We don't want accessories to be the icing on the cake. Cake can be good without frosting. We want accessories to be the missing piece of the puzzle - the outfit isn't complete without them."

Thank you, Thank you! Yes, she is my sister. Yes, we'll be here 'til Friday!

Dee got all the credit, all the glory and, of course, the paycheck.

I got to use words like -

'Understated'

'Balanced'

'Proportionate'

and 'Bada-bing!'

Living vicariously in the fashion world for an evening was fun but spending time with my sister was even better. I get itchy if I go too long without bossing her around a bit.

At the end of the day, she answers to,

"Ma'am, can you unlock a fitting room for me?"

"Hey, can you check, please?" and

"Ma'am, I bought this pair of sequined, hot pink, size zero shorts for my, ummm, cousin and they, ummm, don't fit. Can I have my money back even though I have no receipt, the tags are torn off and the shorts have grass stains on them?"

I answer to,

"Mommy, can you unlock the bathroom 'cause T-boy's stuck in there?"

"Hey, can you check on Pip, please?" and

"Mama, there is a pile of dirt on your bed because a tiger was on the roof and he had some dirt and the roof broke and the dirt fell on your bed... even though there are dirty tracks leading in here, I have dirt all over me, and I'm on your bed."

Dee's talents include convincing women to try on things in bigger sizes by saying things like, "This shirt runs small." and being able to name all the types of jeans they sell and what type of figure each style looks best on.

Mine run more in the direction of talking on the phone and using one hand to pour milk from a full carton into a skinny-necked bottle with a wiggly, laughing baby on my hip and the three year-old jumping on my toes while he pulls on the baby's legs and still managing not to spill a drop.

I'll take 'Mom' over 'Ma'am' anyday!

Love,

Jus' Plain Mom in NE